Hugo’s Friends

COUNTRY: Syria

DICTATOR: Bashar al Assad

FREEDOM HOUSE RATING: Not Free

Isn’t this touching? While the rest of the world has isolated the regime of Bashar al Assad following the Syrian dictator’s blood-soaked response to a popular uprising that has claimed the lives of over 20,000 Syrians, Hugo Chavez has stood firm behind the man he describes as a “humanist” and a “brother.”

Rest assured, these are not just words: murdering innocent civilians can place a real strain on basic resources, and Hugo doesn’t want Bashar to be caught short. In the last year, Venezuela has shipped more than 600,000 barrels of oil to Syria, with a promise of more to come. That hasn’t helped alleviate the $35 billion debt of Venezuela’s state-run PDVSA oil company, but Hugo was never one to be selfish. Plus, Hugo’s already lost one friendly Arab dictator in the form of Libya’s Colonel Gadhafi, and he can’t bear the thought of losing another.

COUNTRY: Iran

DICTATOR: Islamist clerics under “Supreme Leader” Ayatollah Ali Khamenei

FREEDOM HOUSE RATING: Not Free

Since he became Iran’s president in 2005 — grabbing a second term in 2009, when he stole the election (Hugo take note) — Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has emerged as the most well-known face of the Iranian regime. If Hugo has a best friend, it’s probably Mahmoud. Venezuela has become the beach head for Iranian military and political influence in Latin America, and the regime in Tehran wants nothing more than a Chavez victory in the October 2012 election.

In our photo, Hugo and Mahmoud are wearing hard hats embossed with the logo of the PVDSA, Venezuela’s state oil company. It’s a neat symbol of the economic cooperation between the two regimes, which amounts to billions of dollars. In their regular meetings — Hugo has visited Tehran 13 times since coming to power — the two pals no doubt swap tips on the best methods for dealing with opposition forces. After all, what are friends for?

COUNTRY: Belarus

DICTATOR: Alexander Lukashenko

FREEDOM HOUSE RATING: Not Free

Belarus has rightly been called “Europe’s last dictatorship,” so it’s fertile ground for Comandante Chavez. Like Hugo, Alexander Lukashenko had already served three terms when he stood for a fourth in 2010. Was that election fair? Well, on election day, Alexander’s police helpfully beat up two of the opposition candidates. And Belarus’s prisons are filled with dissidents locked up for opposing Lukashism — the local version of Chavismo. Never one to abandon a friend in need, Hugo provides Alexander with cheap oil and an annual trade relationship worth $1.3 billion.

COUNTRY: Zimbabwe

DICTATOR: Robert Mugabe

FREEDOM HOUSE RATING: Not Free

Robert Mugabe has held power in Zimbabwe since 1980. Like Hugo Chavez, he’s been dogged by consistent reports of his failing health, but as far as Mugabe is concerned, he’s not going anywhere. When the time does come to assess his legacy, he’ll take his place as one of the bloodiest dictators in African history: the genocide he carried out in Matabeleland, the violent attacks on peasants and farmers in the name of “land reform,” and the crushing of opposition forces will be remembered by Zimbabweans for generations to come.

Since 2002, Mugabe has been the subject of U.S. and European Union travel ban. But that doesn’t bother Hugo, who always greets Robert with a hug. And the two just love cooperating with each other, particularly when it comes to faciliating the sale of the “conflict” diamonds — gems mined in Africa’s war zones in violation of international regulations — that have been such a valuable source of revenue for the Zimbabwean regime.

COUNTRY: Cuba

DICTATOR: Raul Castro (brother of Fidel, pictured)

FREEDOM HOUSE RATING: Not Free

It ain’t just baseball, slugger: probably no country is closer to Chavez’s world view than the communist island dictatorship of Cuba, which has been in the hands of the Castro brothers since 1959.

Cuba is the biggest recipient of subsidized oil from Venezuela, obtaining 90,000 barrels per day. Thousands of Cuban “advisors” have set up shop in Venezuela, cooperating on all manner of issues, including the overhaul of both countries armies.

And when Hugo seeks medical treatment for the cancer that he’s now telling Venezuelans has been cured, without providing any evidence, Fidel and Raul Castro have ensured he received the best possible care in Cuba. Having been friends for life, becoming Presidents for Life is the next logical step.